JOSE ON JOSE "Please don't call me arrogant, but I'm European champion and I think I'm a special one."
Introducing himself to the English press after arriving from Porto in 2004. "If I wanted to have an easy job... I would have stayed at Porto - beautiful blue chair, the Uefa Champions League trophy, God, and after God, me."
Making a mockery of those who suggest he is big-headed. "For me, pressure is bird flu. I'm feeling a lot of pressure with the problem in Scotland. It's not fun and I'm more scared of it than football."
Insisting his side wouldn't catch a cold as Man Utd breathed down their necks. "Look at my haircut. I am ready for the war."
Unveiling his new Action Man haircut. WORDS OF WISDOM "It's like having a blanket that is too small for the bed. You pull the blanket up to keep your chest warm and your feet stick out. I cannot buy a bigger blanket because the supermarket is closed. But the blanket is made of cashmere!"
On the injury 'crisis' at Chelsea in February. "Young players are a little bit like melons. Only when you open and taste the melon are you 100% sure that the melon is good."
On developing Chelsea's young stars.  Jose put all his eggs in one basket | "The style of how we play is very important. But it is omelettes and eggs. No eggs - no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem."
What turned out to be his parting shot to Roman Abramovich. "I would love an Aston Martin but if you ask me £1m for an Aston Martin, I tell you, you are crazy because they cost £250,000."
Insisting not even Chelsea would pay over the odds for a defender. "Sometimes you see beautiful people with no brains. Sometimes you have ugly people who are intelligent, like scientists. Our pitch is a bit like that. From the top it's a disgrace but the ball rolls at normal speed."
Describing Chelsea's sandpit of a pitch. "We all want to play great music all the time, but if that is not possible, you have to hit as many right notes as you can."
Admitting the Blues weren't completely on song last season. "Maybe the guy drank red wine or beer with breakfast instead of milk."
After a Sheffield United fan threw a bottle at Frank Lampard during Chelsea's 2-0 win at Bramall Lane. "A player from Man City showed half of his ass for two seconds and it was a big nightmare. But this is a real nightmare."
Comparing Petr Cech's nasty injury with Joey Barton's bottom-baring antics. THE WIFE "She is the real manager of family life. You are the star outside, here you are not a star."
Mourinho admits his wife wears the trousers at home.  Mourinho and the extra special one | "It all depends on my wife. If I am at home, yes, I will see it. But maybe my wife would like to go somewhere. I would like to see it - I like to see football and it is a big game. But maybe I will have no permission."
Waiting to hear whether he'd be allowed to watch Arsenal-Man Utd. "My wife is in Portugal with the dog. The dog is with my wife so the city of London is safe, the big threat is away."
Reassuring the population that his runaway Yorkshire Terrier had left the country with his wife. PLAYERS "A brilliant reaction. I hate it when players just walk off."
Following Arjen Robben's sharp exit down the tunnel after being substituted against Aston Villa. "As you know Gallas had an unbelievable holiday. I hope he enjoyed it very much in Guadeloupe, which I think is a fantastic place to be on holiday, so he wanted to stay there for a long time."
On William Gallas missing the first team's trip to the United States because he was on holiday. "I did it because I want to push my son to do the same. I also did it because I want to push the young players on my team to have a proper haircut, not the Rastafarian or the others they have."
Mourinho confirming he's a cut above the rest with his skinhead. REFEREES "When I saw Rijkaard entering the referee's dressing room I couldn't believe it. When Drogba was sent off I didn't get surprised."
Claiming Barcelona boss Frank Rijkaard had met with Anders Frisk at half-time in their Champions League tie.  The best of enemies | "If you ask me if I jump with happiness when I know Mr Poll is our referee? No."
Not a fan of Graham Poll. "I could feel immediately the movement. To somebody that understands the game and feels the football, smells the situation, it was obvious."
Senses working overtime after a dodgy offside flag denies Chelsea a goal against Blackburn. RIVALS "Wenger has a real problem with us and I think he is what you call in England a voyeur. He is someone who likes to watch other people. There are some guys who, when they are at home, have this big telescope to look into the homes of other people and see what is happening. Wenger must be one of them - and it is a sickness."
Astonishing attack on Arsene Wenger. "Three years without a Premiership title? I don't think I would still be in a job."
Putting the boot into Rafa Benitez.  He loves me, he loves me not | "Many great managers have never won the Champions League - a big example is not far from us."
Reminding Wenger there's only room for one Special One in London. "Liverpool are favourites because in the year 2007 we've played 27 matches and Liverpool play three or four."
Cranking up the pressure ahead of the Champions League semi-final second leg. "If you're not a big club, you choose one competition and you fight in that competition and forget the others. Big clubs - we cannot do this."
Warming to his theme. "I am happy to be six points behind. In my opinion, Manchester United did not take advantage of our bad moments."
Delighted Manchester United are so far ahead in the Premiership in January. "I want to give my congratulations to them because they won. But we were the best team."
In typically gracious mood after his side's Carling Cup defeat by Charlton on penalties. THE WORLD IS AGAINST US "This is the only time we have had to play before United and that's because we control the fixtures. Just imagine if we didn't control them!"
Hitting back at Sir Alex Ferguson's claim that Chelsea engineered their game with Tottenham to take place just 39 hours after Spurs' Uefa Cup match in Seville.  Hands up who likes diving | "How do you say 'cheating' in Catalan? Barcelona is a cultural city with many great theatres and this boy has learned very well. He's learned play acting."
Claiming Lionel Messi got Asier Del Horno sent off in a Champions League defeat by Barcelona. "During the afternoon it rained only in this stadium - our kitman saw it - they tried everything. There must be a microclimate here."
Bemoaning Blackburn's pitch-watering tactics after the Blues' hard-fought win at Ewood Park. IN DEFENCE OF CHELSEA "We have eight matches and eight victories, with 16 goals, but people say we cannot play, that we are a group of clowns. This is not right."
On his high horse after beating Liverpool. "Entertaining? Too much!"
After the roller-coaster 3-2 win over Birmingham on the opening day of the season. "I think I have a naive team. They are naive because they are pure and they are clean. We don't have divers, we don't have violent people."
On his clean-living Chelsea boys, after Florent Malouda won a dodgy penalty against Liverpool. WHAT THE REST THINK OF HIM "If Chelsea are naive and pure then I'm Little Red Riding Hood."
Rafa Benitez suspects Jose is telling porkies.  Me? Good looking? | "My wife will be glad about Mourinho coming to Bramall Lane because he's a good looking swine, isn't he?"
Neil Warnock. "He is almost a Yorkshireman with a Portuguese accent."
Warnock again. "When Mourinho says training will last one-and-a-half hours it will never last a second longer."
Former Chelsea striker Eidur Gudjohnsen on Mourinho's worrying attention to detail. "I find it out of order, disconnected with reality and disrespectful."
Arsene Wenger did not take too kindly to the 'voyeur' comments. "Two finals in three years - not bad for a little club.''
Liverpool skipper Steven Gerrard twists the knife after his side, branded a "little club" by Mourinho, reached the Champions League final at Chelsea's expense.
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Him to Whom belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth! And Allah is Witness to all things.
